Since it’s clear the Left intends on putting America even further in debt to finance research for global warming, I’ve tried to find the positives in a situation that appears to be completely negative. I have come up with a wonderful idea.

While the rest of America is foolishly giving their tax dollars to the government to pay for needless climate change solutions, you can ride in the cabin of your private jet, screw your mistresses, guzzle expensive liquor, and laugh at all the saps who aren’t you as you tell your pilot to make his way to Monaco. Pronto!

Are you ready for this idea? Brace yourself… Eco-friendly grooming products! Interested in becoming an investor? I know you are! Read along to find out more about these soon-to-be hot products.

Wind Powered Hair-Dryer
We all know how much energy a common hair dryer uses. A lot! But not the Wind Powered Hair-Dryer! It’s operated with a hand-crank, using a wind turbine for the extra power you need. Here’s how it works: On a sunny day, just set the Wind Powered Hair-Dryer outside. The panels will soak in the sun’s rays, making it extra-hot. Once it reaches optimal temperature, stay outside because that’s where the wind is. Crank the lever for sixty seconds and you’ll have five minutes of high-power hair-drying, or twenty minutes of a warm breeze on your head. After the five minutes is over, crank it again and experience another five minutes of high-power hair drying. If it doesn’t feel powerful enough, check to make sure it’s connected to your wind turbine. Once you do this, your hair will be blown off the scalp; for five minutes, anyway.
Note: The Wind Powered Hair-Dryer doubles as a fan on cold days.

The Compo-Comb-o
This comb is extremely friendly to the environment because it is made entirely from human and animal compost! That’s right folks! This comb, quite literally, is the crap! An exquisite “hardening” process makes this the new unbreakable comb – plus, since it’s not made of plastic you can burn it without any risk of dangerous fumes! Worried about the insults your may receive? Do you think names like “butthead,” “poo-poo hair,” or “moron” will be thrown your way? Well friend, don’t worry. You’ll be on the cutting edge of saving the environment. Just imagine all the girls at the parties you’ll go to that will want to sleep with you once you tell them how much you love the environment!
Note: This comb comes in the stylish colors of green, black, and brown.

The Solar Powered Razor/Ear & Nose Hair Trimmer/Bikini Trimmer/Unwanted Hair Remover
The name says it all, folks. This nifty gadget makes shaving helpful to the environment. Do you use an electric razor? Shame on you! You’re wasting energy. Whoever invented electricity didn’t do it so you could get a nice close shave every morning, you self-loving, Republican jerk! Do you use a disposable razor? Shame on you! You’re wasting materials. But you recycle them? Don’t you know recycling takes up almost as much energy as it saves! Don’t worry though. With the new Solar Powered Razor/Ear & Nose Hair Trimmer/Bikini Trimmer/ Unwanted Hair Remover, shaving goes green! Not just because it’s solar powered, but because the blades, made from some of the finest hemp we could find, never go dull. Just set this thing out in the sun for about an hour, let the solar panels soak in the rays, and you’ll have a good ten minutes of shaving time.
Note: You may not experience what you consider a “close” shave, but you’ll be doing the environment a favor, so does it really matter?

Green Soaps, Facial Creams, and Shampoos
Our last products are also the most practical. Everybody uses products like these – except Janeane Garofalo. If you’re like me, you’ve lost a lot of sleep wondering how we can make these items green. Well, we finally have a solution! We make our soaps, facial creams, and shampoos out of completely biodegradable substances: hemp, seaweed, dirt, compost, the blood of Republicans, and some other “unmentionable substances” to give it that rich, creamy texture and smell.
Note: Like the rest of our products, we do not test these items on animals. If you develop a reaction, we insist that you ignore it. Train your body to cope with these products. It’s the only way. Together, we can save the environment!

So what do you say? Are you on board? There’s still time to get in on this sweet deal! If you’re interested in becoming an investor e-mail me at greenbeautyproducts@yahoo.com.

Actually, hold on a minute. We all know environmentalists don’t use personal hygiene and grooming products. This may not be such a good idea, after all…

Hey friends! Good to be here at townhall.com! We all know Fall has officially arrived, and you know what that means. Halloween is just around the corner! It’s never too early to start planning your costume. After all, you need to look good when you’re at a party with your Liberal friends!

Here are some ideas for costumes any Republican can wear to score points with his Democratic acquaintances, and maybe even make a few friends along the way. Some costumes even have “Bonus Points” as a way to befriend even more Liberals!

Without any further ado, I give you the hottest Liberal costumes of 2009!

You know that Michael Jackson mask you bought in 1989? Well, if you dye the hair brown, it can be your new Nancy Pelosi mask. Go get that thing! You just found yourself a free costume!

How about the Arlen Specter Belly Dancing Costume? It’s a timeless classic for men of alternative lifestyles. Show your Liberal friends you’re not as homophobic as your GOP counterparts while you move predictably to the left.
Bonus Points: Talk about how much Republicans hate gays and lesbians, while neglecting to mention the largest group of people who hate gays is Muslim extremists; the very people Republicans want to fight.

Do you have grey hair? Can you slick it back? If so, put on a suit and go as Bill Maher! This costume will be more realistic if you’re less than five feet tall.
Bonus Points: Erupt into a swearing spree at any mention of Republicans, Conservatives, Sarah Palin, or the bush outside.
Extra Bonus Points: Let everyone know the best thing about blogging is girls can’t see how short you are.

Will there be PETA people at your party? Of course there will be! So why not go as a guinea pig? And since animals are equal to humans, you may as well do all the things a guinea pig would do – like crap all over the floor and eat everything in sight. Granted, people may mistake you for Michael Moore at first, but they will realize soon enough that you are a guinea pig – unless you have horribly groomed facial hair.

Speaking of pigs, why not just go as a normal pig? This will do two things. One, it will bring back the memories of Bush’s last action in office: unleashing swine flu on the world. Two, once you get drunk and your speech becomes mumbled and slurred people will think you came as Barney Frank!

Your point may obvious, but why not go as someone in the Romanoff clan? A move this bold could be taken the wrong way, so make sure your Liberal friends know it’s an homage, not a parody.

Still haven’t found one you like? Perhaps this one will change your mind. How about the classic World on Fire Costume? Your torso will have the globe around it (looking like it’s on fire), while your arms and legs double as extra flames!
Extra Perk: If you’re white and you wear a black turtleneck underneath, you can go as Al Gore. If you’re black, you can go as Van Jones!
Bonus Points: Show up in a private jet and slash the tires of every SUV in the street.

This one may be a little “out there” but if you have a suit that looks like it was stolen from Craig Sager’s closet, you can buy a trendy pair of glasses, shave the hair around your business, glue it to your head, and go as Al Franken!

One costume that’s sure to turn some heads is the Robert Byrd KKK Costume. At first, people will find your outfit tasteless and racist. Don’t worry. Just remind them you’re dressed as Robert Byrd – KKK member and Democratic Senator! That should calm them down.

I hope to see some of you at the party I’ll be going to! I’ll be dressed as Günther Verheugen – EU commissioner who also happens to be a nudist.